It’s inevitable that conflict is something which will come up from time to time, in both our personal and professional lives.
None of us are the same. We have different personalities, experiences, ways of working and communicating, so when our different motivations, processes, and goals clash, conflicts can arise.
Many of us do our best to avoid conflict, no one wants to fall out or to make someone feel bad. The intention may be good but avoiding it can cause issues going unresolved and when that happens, resentment and frustrations may fester and it becomes something bigger than it needs to be.
Conflict isn’t always something to fear. When resolved properly, it can lead to better ideas, understanding, ways of working and better relationships.
So why does conflict arise?
Well, you remember my blog on looking at life through a lens, where I explained how we all have our own perceptions on the world based on our upbringing, experiences, value systems, etc.
It’s natural to think we are the ones who are right. If we are not open to hearing another opinion, point of view or way of doing something it can cause conflict when we come up against something that does not fit into our values and belief systems.
This can also lead to miscommunication and mind reading, because we see the world in a certain way we presume others do as well, so what may seem obvious to one person may not do so with another.
For example, a conflict may arise when an expectation is not met. You presumed something would happen which seemed obvious to you, so maybe you did not communicate it clearly. When it then does not happen you may get annoyed, but it was not obvious to the other person.
Then we have differences in personality. Some people have a more natural leaning to thinking about people first, others to logic and rational. For example, if you just experienced a house robbery, a logical person may ask “is the house secure?”, whereas a people person will ask “are you ok?”.
There is nothing wrong with either question. Both are good people, but they look at things differently. If you are a people person, then you may get upset by someone asking if the house was secure before asking if you are ok.
People also have different work styles, some naturally lean towards teamwork, whereas someone else may perform better working alone, so when they don’t function as well in a team they could be labeled that they are not a team player, really they just need some extra support.
The key to resolving conflict is trying to get to a win-win that doesn’t result in a compromised outcome. Everyone needs to see that they’ve come out with the result they want, but not through compromise and compromising the outcome, but by getting to the root cause of the problem and putting it to bed for good.
Why it’s important to resolve conflict and not let it fester…
You may hope a problem just goes away, but leaving conflict unresolved is not good for anyone. You may let go and move on, but the other people involved may not.
Have a think about how you and other person will feel when it’s resolved.
Here are some tips for resolving conflict…
1. Stay calm.
Even the most composed of us can get hot headed when a conflict arises. Work conflicts can be particularly stressful as they are tied to your career, your success and of course, your income.
It helps to identify the problem and resolve it quickly before it grows into something bigger. If you find yourself getting stressed or angry then calm yourself down first. Take a few deep breaths, or even do a quick meditation before addressing the conflict to ensure you are as centred as possible. It’s good to also make sure your body language is non-confrontational by relaxing your shoulders and posture.
2. Listen openly and without judgement.
This may seem obvious but when there is a situation or conflict, it’s natural for both people to want to be right. You may listen just to get your point across. If that happens, then you both need to pause and come back to the conversation.
3. Address the problem, not the person.
It’s easy to say someone “is a certain way because…”, but accept that most of us are coming from a good place. When we look at the person, we place blame on them, instead consider that it may be a system, decision, or relationship issue that is the problem.
4. Listen with a view to getting to the right solution, not your solution.
Go into the conversation without being attached to a particular outcome. Your solution may make sense to you, but be open to hearing what others have to say.
5. Listen actively to what is said and not said.
The words we say make up less than 10% of our communication. So, really listen and observe. What is behind the words? What are they not saying? Don’t just wait for your turn to talk, really listen to the other person.
6. Try to see the issue from the other person’s perspective.
If you could just put yourself in their shoes for a moment, you may understand, for example, why it is not as easy as you seem to think. Try to think how they think and feel how they feel. Ask questions to make sure you understood what they meant to say, and not just what you thought they were saying.
If you are experiencing conflict at the moment and need some support around solving it then please get in touch.
Coaching is a great way to work through conflict situations, as you can prepare your approach.
You can book a call with me here.